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My name is Clara, and for most of my life, my world had a soundtrack. As a session cellist in London, my existence was measured in phrases and rests, in the warm, resonant hum of my instrument and the crisp commands of a conductor. I was part of the machinery of music, the unseen hand that provided the emotional undercurrent for film scores, the lush backing for pop ballads, the gravitas for commercial jingles. I was good. I was reliable. I could sight-read anything put in front of me. And I was slowly, completely, dying inside.
The work was steady, but it was soul-crushingly anonymous. My cello, a beautiful old French instrument I’d named Isabelle, was not an extension of my soul but a tool for hire. I played other people’s emotions, other people’s stories. My own voice had become a whisper, drowned out by the demands of the click track and the producer’s notes. "A little more sorrow here, Clara." "Make it soar at bar 36." I was an emotional puppet, and the strings were my cello strings.
The breaking point was a session for a reality TV star’s debut single. The music was vapid, the lyrics inane. As I sawed away, creating a fake, swelling passion for this manufactured moment, I looked at Isabelle and felt a profound sense of betrayal. I was prostituting her, and myself. I went home that night, put Isabelle in her case, and didn't open it for a week. A deep, creative paralysis set in. When I finally tried to play for myself, my own music, nothing came out. My hands knew only how to be a ghost for other composers.
The silence in my flat was no longer peaceful; it was the sound of my own creative death. My partner, Mark, a graphic designer, tried to understand. "Just take a break," he’d say. But a break from what? I wasn't tired. I was empty. The freelance work dried up as newer, hungrier musicians took my place. The fear, a cold, tight knot in my stomach, became a permanent resident.
One rain-swept evening, I was mindlessly scrolling through my phone, avoiding the silent accusation of Isabelle’s case in the corner. An ad popped up. It was for a Vavada casino mirror. The garish lights, the promise of instant fortune—it was the absolute antithesis of my world of subtle dynamics and delayed gratification. It was vulgar. It was loud. And in my state of numb despair, it was weirdly compelling. It represented a choice that was entirely my own, however foolish.
It felt less like gambling and more like a scream into the void. I found a working link. The registration was a simple series of clicks. I deposited fifty pounds—the equivalent of a nice bottle of wine I could no longer enjoy. I chose a slot game called "Mozart’s Melody," its cartoonish rendition of a powdered wig composer a deeply offensive caricature. I clicked the spin button.
The reels, adorned with treble clefs and violins, spun. I lost. I clicked again. Lost again. There was a brutal, beautiful simplicity to it. No nuance, no interpretation, no emotional subtext. It was binary. Win or lose. The silence it created in my head was different from the terrifying silence of my flat. This was an empty canvas, not a sealed tomb.
My balance shrank to ten pounds. A final, desperate note. I clicked the spin button. And then, the game sang. Not with my cello’s soulful voice, but with a shrieking, triumphant, digital fanfare. The symbols aligned, triggering a cascade of bonuses. The credit counter didn't increment; it exploded, multiplying until the number on the screen was one I associated with a month of session work. It was absurd. It was impossible. It was a fortissimo in a life that had become pianissimo.
I didn't feel joy. I felt a seismic shift. The universe, in its infinite absurdity, had just handed me a solo. I withdrew the money, the process feeling like part of the same strange dream. When it arrived, I looked at the figure, then at Isabelle’s case.
I didn't pay bills. I didn't go on a trip. I rented a small, soundproofed studio for three months. I walked in with Isabelle and a single chair. For the first week, I just sat there. Then, I started to play. Not someone else’s music. My music. It was clumsy, raw, full of anger and fear and a strange, burgeoning hope. It was the sound of me remembering my own voice.
That was two years ago. I don’t do session work anymore. I compose. I have a small but growing audience for my ambient, experimental pieces. The music is mine. All mine.
I’ve never gone back to that Vavada casino mirror. For me, it wasn't a place to win money. It was the jolt I needed. The dissonant chord that shattered the perfect, sterile harmony of my old life and allowed a new, more authentic melody to emerge. It taught me that sometimes, to find your voice, you have to first be willing to make a very undignified sound. And sometimes, the most important mirror isn't the one that shows you your face, but the one that shows you a path back to yourself. Isabelle doesn't sit silent in her case anymore. She sings, and finally, I sing with her.
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Published in 2025-10-18 17:58:53
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